| COLLOQUIUM CUM IOANNE IRACUNDO Per Julii Caesari stipendium in Britannia parentes Ioannis Iracundi Romanis rapti sunt et in servitutem redacti sunt. Pro patricium opulentem Roma in domu maximo cum multis aliis servis multarum terrarum laborabant. Ioannes ibi Idus Martiis XLIIII ante Christum natus est. Sene Graeco servo cuius nomen erat Archimedes adiutus est. Archimedes ei litteras et mathematicam et philosophiam et omnem alium quod sciebat atque artes magicas doxit. Ioannes specialiter Romanorum rerum gestarum memoriam studui. In seditione servorum II ante Christum mortuus est. Kalendis februariis A.D. MMIIII Minneapole Minnesota cum eum locutus sum, et transcriptio huius colloquii sequitur. | CONVERSATION WITH IOANNES IRACUNDUS During Julius Caesar's campaign in Britain, the parents of Ioannes Iracundus were seized and enslaved by the Romans. They worked for a wealthy patrician in Rome on an extremely large estate with many other slaves from many nations. Ioannes was born there on March 15, 44 B.C. He was befriended by an old Greek slave named Archimedes. Archimedes taught him letters, math, philosophy, and everything else he knew, including the magical arts. Ioannes took a special interest in Roman history. He died in 2 B.C. in a slave rebellion. I had a chat with him on February 1, 2004 in Minneapolis, and the transcript of our conversation follows. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Primo, dice quare ad Minneapolem anno MMIIII pervenis! Nonne abhinc annos ultra duo milia mortuus es? | First, tell me how you came to be in Minneapolis in the year 2004! You died over two thousand years ago, right? |
| I.I.: | Ita. Corpus mortuus est, sed anima semper vivit. | Yes. The body died, but the spirit still lives. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Num dices ut umbra sis? | You're not saying you're a ghost? |
| I.I.: | Nullo modo! Hem... Quomodo hic sum non plene expedire possum. | Not at all! Um... I can't fully explain how I am here. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Tum simpliciter ab illi satisfieri debemus. Estne hoc tuum primum iter ad Unitos Status Americae? | Then we'll just have to be satisfied with that. Is this your first trip to the United States of America? |
| I.I.: | Ita. | Yes. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Et quid censes? | So what do you think? |
| I.I.: | Plus tempus requiretur ut respondere possim. | I need more time in order to answer that question. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Nonne omnia dissimillimi sunt? | Everything must seem completely different! |
| I.I.: | Et dissimilia et similia. | Both different and the same. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Egrediae sententiae de democratia tenes. Dicesne de quomodo has formaveris? | You have some interesting ideas about democracy. Can you tell us how those ideas were shaped? |
| I.I.: | Mirabile dictu est, ut Romani clariorem traditionem civitatis popularis habuerint, tamen aliis populiis eandem traditionem negaverint. Repugnantia animadvertere non videruntur. | It is strange to say that the [ancient] Romans had quite a great tradition of government by the people, and yet they denied other peoples that same tradition. They did not seem to notice the contradiction. |
| J.D.G.W.: | De servitute loqui vis? | You mean slavery? |
| I.I.: | Ita. Atque de omnibus terris Romanis superatis, Gallia et Hispania et Africa et Britannia et omnia terris Graecis. Romani erant victores voraces. | Yes. And all the countries conquered by the Romans: Gaul, Spain, Africa, Brittain, all the Hellenic lands. The Romans were insatiable conquerors. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Nonne tamen Romani pacem atque cultum atque humanitatem ad illas terras portaverunt? | But didn't the Romans bring peace and civilization to those countries? |
| I.I.: | Ista pax atque ista humanitas solum Romanis profuerunt. Num dicere vis ut matre patreque profuerint? Ut Romani cultum atque humanitatem ad Graecos portaverint atque dicere vis? | That kind of peace and that kind of civilization only benefited the Romans. You don't mean to say that it benefited my mother and father? And are you saying that the Romans brought civilization to the Greeks? |
| J.D.G.W.: | Iam teneo. Me excuso si... | I see. I'm sorry if... |
| I.I.: | Non dicere volo ut sit cultura Romana nihil bonum. Multi populi superavi saltem solum illud quid Romani ipsi habuerunt cupivimus. | I don't mean to say there's nothing good about Roman culture. After all, many of us conquered peoples only wanted what the Romans themselves had. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Profecto. Erant illas claras vias Romanas! | Of course. There were those famous Roman roads! |
| I.I.: | De libertate loqui volebam. | I meant freedom. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Ita. | Right. |
| I.I.: | Erat ignominia ironiaque ut modo ubi maximum imperium perfecerant Romani ipsi hoc clarissimum beneficium amisserunt. | It was a shame and an irony that just when they had acheived their greatest power, the Romans themselves lost this brightest of all gifts. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Quomodo hoc accidit? | How did this happen? |
| I.I.: | Est fabula longissima. Fortasse alio tempore narrabitur. | It's a very long story. Perhaps I can tell it some other time. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Nonne quaestum Litterarum Classicarum Facultate Universitate Minnesotae tenes? | I hear you have a job in the Classics Department at the University of Minnesota. |
| I.I.: | Teneo. Proximos sex menses professor me conducebat ut eum in quodam magno opere translationis iuvarem . Quaestus tamen ob civitatis foederatae recentem deminutionem opum non diu durabit. | Yes. For the last six months a professor has been hiring me to assist with a certain big translation project. But the job won't last long, on account of recent state funding cuts. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Quid censes de artificio hodierno? | What do you think of modern technology? |
| I.I.: | Speciosius. Vis aquae ductorum umbratilium me maximo commovit. Atque cibum in hirneis est mirum! Primo ex arcis metalli edere timui, sed paulo post id consuevi, et nunc id bene amo. | Quite interesting. The quality of indoor plumbing especially made an impression on me. And canned food is amazing! At first I was afraid to eat out of metal containers, but after a little while I got used to it, and now I love it. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Et quid de interrete? Tela Totius Terrae navigabas? | And what about the Internet? Have you been surfing the World Wide Web? |
| I.I.: | Hem, navigabam. Cum primo mihi de ea narrabatur, vero hoc oraculum hodiernum quid appellatis computatrum videre cupivi. Fama eius prodigiosior erat. Sed postquam id temptavi, intellegevi ut eo non egerem, quod magnitudine penis mei sum contentissimus. | Mm, yes, I've been surfing. At first when I heard about the World Wide Web, I really wanted to see this modern-day oracle you call the computer. It sounded amazing. But after I tried it, I realized that I did not need it, since I am very satisfied with the size of my penis. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Mm. | Mm. |
| I.I.: | A videre istas imagines scortorum sine ipsa habere potesse me frustatur. | Seeing those pictures of prostitutes without being able to have them is frustrating. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Mehercule! | Good Lord! |
| I.I.: | Ioco remoto, etiamsi istud iterrete utile sit, ab extremo est corruptela. Oraculos consulere non omnia est. Nihilominus, istud solum facere paene omnis tempus otiosum agitatis. | But joking aside, even if this Internet were useful, in the end it's a distraction. Consulting the oracles isn't everything. Yet, you spend all your free time doing only this. |
| J.D.G.W.: | Vera dices. | You're not lying. |
| I.I.: | Re vera, mea sententia America est multa solitudo. Atque hieme est frigidissimum! | In the end, I think there is much loneliness in America. And it is very cold here in winter! |
| J.D.G.W.: | Em, spero ut me pro amicum habeas atque melius nos nosciamus. Gratias tibi ago quod mecum locutus es. | Well, I hope that you will consider me a friend and that we might get to know each other better. Thanks for speaking with me. |
| I.I.: | Probe! Obiter, Latine loqueris! | No problem! By the way, your Latin is quite good! |
| J.D.G.W.: | Gratias! Non saepe Latine loqui possum. | Thanks. I don't often have the opportunity to speak Latin. |
| I.I.: | Spero ut iterum loqueremur. | I hope we might speak again! |
| J.D.G.W.: | Sane! | Definitely! |