"Dear, you promised me you would help plan the wedding dinner."

"The guys wanted to know if I could go out for a beer with them. Can we do it after I get back?"

"No, if we don't figure out what's going to be on the menu right now, I won't be able to get it to the caterer in time."

"Oh, all right."

"OK. So sit down and let's look at this menu. Why don't we start with appetizers?"

"Well, what are the choices?"

"Hmm. Let's see. Gay Teen Suicide."

"That sounds interesting."

"Could be good. My dad likes that. But let's look at the other options. There's Employment Discrimination. Gay Bashing? Oh, how about Murder with the Homosexual Panic Defense?"

"They all sound delicious. How can I decide?"

"Well, let's go with the Gay Bashing. Murder is too fattening."

"Oh, we're on a health food diet now!"

"We don't want to lose our figures just because we're getting married! OK. Now for the main course, let's see... They've only got two choices here for salads: Gay Stereotypes and Queer Jokes.

"Queer Jokes is good."

"For the entrées, there's Religious Bigotry, with a Selective Scripture Verse hollandaise and Singling Homosexuals Out for Special Condemnation on the side. That's my grandmother's favorite."

"Keep going."

"The second entrée is Don't Ask Don't Tell, with Wartime Service followed by Peacetime Dishonorable Discharge and Total Loss of Benefits. That one also comes with Violating Your Own Policy by Asking and Investigating Anyway! Your dad would like that one."

"What else?"

"Oh, look at this. They've got a homestyle entrée: Fearmongering About Pedophilia and Firing Gay Teachers. They serve it with a big bowl of Texas-style Proposals to Make Homosexuality and Abortion Capital Offenses."

"Mmm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Sounds delicious. I think we've got our entrée. Now what are our choices for dessert?"

"There's Denial of Visitation Rights, Invalidation of Wills, Loss of Child Custody, and Punishing the Children by Denying Health Care Benefits."

"Honey, they all sound scrumptious. I can't make my mind up. You choose. Now can I go out with the guys for some beer?"

"Wait, not yet! We've got to decide on a band for the reception. I was thinking about Civilization Will Come To an End If We Allow It."

"What about that other band, the one my old high school buddy Jake plays in, Homosexuals Don't Love?"

"Well, if your friend Jake plays in it, we should go with them. Maybe you can get them to play for free."

"Is that it?"

"No, one more thing. Mom wants to know what we're going to do about your Uncle Jim?"

"Well, we can't not invite him."

"How about if we just tell him he can't bring his 'roommate' Bob."

"Well that goes without saying. Done and done. Can I go now?"

"Yes you can go now. Have fun with the guys. I'll call the caterers right now."

"About the caterers, they're not, you know...?"

"I'm pretty sure when he was talking about his 'partner' he meant 'business partner.' I'm pretty sure."

"All right."

"This is going to be sooo wonderful! I love you Honey Bear!"

"Well I love you too, Cream Puff."

"Sweet Fries!"

"Love Dove!"

"Sugar Pooh!"

"This is sure going to be special."